Overcoming Porn Addiction
By: The Union Movement
Hello, Reader.
I’m a female who just entered her late 20’s and for more years of my life than not, I was addicted to sex.
That’s right, men aren’t the only ones who enjoy watching pornography.
I know a large number of readers will be asking: What's so wrong about porn? Doesn't it train you for sex? Doesn’t it help you satisfy your urges when you can’t get any?
This is what we’ve been led to believe but I’m here to tell you that it is faulty. No shame to those who have been taught it and believed it. I lived in it for many years .
I want to share what pornography did to me and what I learned from watching - and not watching - it, so that you can see the untold side effects of it that we live with and pretend like they’re normal.
Porn Cheapens Sex.
Sex is something that is actually very valuable, having a higher value than what most of society places on it.
It was designed to be a mutual enjoyment of each other and a tri-level (body, soul and spirit) connection between a man and a woman; and when done right, it’s one of the most fantastic experiences on the planet!
Pornography sex is completely different and trains you for a cheapened kind of sex that revolves around "you feed me and my desires.” But that's not what sex is meant to be. Pornography sex does not create any connection between those involved. It is scripted and acted and nothing like REAL bedroom sex.
If you learn sex from porn you will be sorely disappointed and dissatisfied in the bedroom as your partner fails to perform to your expectation. You'll get Shallow Sex, not the real deal of body-soul-spirit-two-people-become-one sex!
Porn Is Addictive
Addictions medicate pain instead of healing and gaining freedom!
I had been sexually molested as a child and was a sex addict since the age of 7. I didn’t care who or what I had sex with, willing or not, so long as I got my daily fix.
I finally found internet porn as I entered high-school. It wasn’t until after I graduated that I submitted to a process of breaking my addiction through a mentorship at my church. Through this I discovered that I would medicate my pain (rejection, fear, self-hate, etc.) through watching porn; and when I wanted to avoid thoughts of confronting such pain I would escape through romantic/pornographic fantasies.
Instead of facing my life giants, changing and overcoming, I would use pornography to make me feel better – which only lasts for the moment.
When finished the giants are still there and nothing in life has improved.
Porn Objectifies People (Not Just Women)
Pornography trains us to view people as objects to satisfy our sexual desires; to quench our thirst. We no longer view them as valuable body-soul-spirit people with dreams and life goals, personality and character.
Because I was addicted to porn, I could never see the men around me as anything more than :
A) someone who would try to force himself on me
B) someone with whom I could possibly have a sexual/romantic encounter with.
I should also note that in my teenage and adult years I was already trying to live my life submitted to God. I was a Christian and still desired to have a relationship with one man, done right. But my idea of a relationship was tainted with my desire for sex and therefore I only saw men as ‘pieces of meat’.
I wouldn’t want a man to look at me that way, yet I was looking at men that way. This made it extremely difficult to form friendships with men.
After graduating high-school, I remember hearing testimonies at a Young Adult church meeting about people who gained healing from sexual abuse and sin, and were now living addiction-free, healthy lives. I was so done with my whole world, my every thought being tainted by sex, so I decided that night to confess to a leader I trusted and get the help I needed to gain the freedom I desperately desired.
As I mentioned before, porn is an addiction that medicates a deeper pain. How I overcame it was by replacing it with an activity and thought pattern that would productively help me process my pain, my feelings, the difficulties of life.
That was through 3 things: dance, music and prayer. Instead of using my body to commit harmful sexual acts against myself and others, I would use it to dance in worship to God. Dance and music have an unexplainable power that brings buried emotions and wounds up to the surface, allowing you to face them, process them and heal from them. And that is what I would do - every day. Every time I was tempted, every time I actually slipped up, I would immediately do a 180° back out of it.
There is a famous story in the Bible about King David and his affair with Bathsheba (the wife of one of his most trusted soldiers). If you grew up in the Church you'll know it but for those who didn't, here is a summary:
King David acts on his sexual urges and sleeps with his friend's wife while he's away fighting a war, Bathsheba gets pregnant and David is all like "crap how we gonna cover this up!". Long story short, he ends up staging the man’s death to make it look like a casualty in battle and takes Bathsheba as his own wife. God sends the prophet Nathan to convict King David of his sin and declares that the consequence for his sin is that David's child through Bathsheba will die, he repents and The End. BUT there is a part to the story that isn't often mentioned in the telling that is key to overcoming sin (ANY SIN!) but especially sexual or habitual sin. After this story Bathsheba and David's son becomes terribly sick. David spends the whole time in mourning and interceding in prayer for his child’s life, but he dies anyway, just as the prophet predicted. AS SOON as David hears the news, it says in 2 Samuel 12:20 that he arose, changed and washed himself, then went into the house of the LORD to praise and worship God.
When we are in habitual sin, we have the tendency to HIDE from God, like Adam and Eve did after the first commitment of sin. But the key to overcoming sin, so we don't keep doing it, is to not let it separate us from God! David realized this and always ran back into God's presence after a sin.
Sin Separates Us From God, But Being In Relationship With God Separates Us From Sin.
We can't overcome it on our own - we need God’s help.
Why praise and worship? Singing the praises of our King and setting our focus on Him reminds us again that He IS THE all-powerful authority in our life, that HE DOES love us unconditionally, and that Jesus paid the price for our past/present/future sin so we are spotless and blameless, and the knowledge of that changes our heart's desire to turn to God's love for fulfillment and healing instead of medicating on pornography.
God's love inspires us to BE over-comers, instead of living life as victims.
And That Is Exactly How I Overcame My Porn Addiction
I allowed Jesus to get in the mud of my life with me, clean up the mess, and help me face the giants I was trying to avoid. Having Jesus as a part of my life abolished my need for pornography. Plainly put: I love Him more than a quick fix and He’s taught me to love myself enough to fight for the best there is for me instead of living with a broken car and no user manual.
I’m not saying that I am 100% perfect at this. Many people think that once they overcome an addiction for X number of days then they are immune to it and will never EVER fall back into it. THAT is a dangerous way of thinking.
There are disciplines to continue, boundaries to keep in place, lines that are not meant to be crossed to keep yourself from falling back into an unhealthy habit. My best advice: Keep your love for Jesus as the hottest fire in your being, and lust will grow cold and not resurrect.
If I don't keep close to God's love, I slip back into fantasy.
For those who are still struggling with this, maybe have been for decades and wondering "Will I EVER make it out of here?"
Don't be discouraged if your time stamp of recovery is longer than someone else. Everyone fights a different battle. In fact, I personally HATE the method of keeping track of how many days clean; it always sets me up for a bigger let down if I mess up and keeps me focused on the sin I'm trying to NOT focus on instead of on Jesus the one who separates me from my sin.
Keep going! You are doing great! And God loves you!